Holding On
by LSMunch
Summary: Promise me you'll never leave me alone. Can he keep his promise?
1. Chapter 1

Dsiclaimer: Not mine, though if John ever wants to leave the show...

A/N: Little idea that came to me, perhaps it will turn into something more. The italics are memories, things in the past, whatever you call them.

**Holding On**

"_Hey, John?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Promise me something?"_

_"I can't play that game."_

_"Please. Just promise me one thing."_

_"I...I can't."_

_"Promise me you'll never leave me alone."_

He walked into the hospital room, looking at her still form and at the beeping machines. He didn't trust himself to be in the room alone with her. Didn't trust his emotions. Her pale skin against the white sheets made him sick to his stomach and the hospital smell wasn't helping. He walked slowly to the chair beside her and dropped into it, feeling as if a huge weight was pushing him down.

_"You didn't have to do that."_

_"Yeah, I did."_

_"I would've taken care of myself. I would've been fine."_

_"I wouldn't be though."_

_"My life doesn't affect you."_

_"It does. Believe me, it does."_

_"John, wait."_

_"I love you too much. You've gotta catch up."_

He stared at her, the events playing over in his head. The interrogation. The rushed drive to the suspect's house. Breaking in. Running after him, walking fast in his case. Calling for backup. Her falling as the bullet hit her. Pulling his own gun and shooting the bastard. Running to her side, actually running, and calling for a bus as he tried to stem the flow of blood. The flow of warm life spilling onto the cold concrete. IAB talking to him. Coming to the hospital to sit with her. And now, just looking at her, wishing she would move, wondering what had gone wrong.

_"St...stop. That...that tickles!"_

_"That's the whole idea."_

_"John...c'mon...please stop."_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you, too, John. I love you, too."_

She was deathly still on the hospital bed, dressed in one of those horrid gowns. He could see the bandage where the gown didn't quite cover enough. He had to tear his eyes away from it as he saw the blood flowing again in his mind. Seeping through his fingers and soaking her shirt slowly. He glanced up at the machines, watching her heart rate line go up and down with an almost mechanical preciseness. He thought of how his heart had been beating so fast when she went down and how hers almost stopped forever.

_"I need you, John."_

_"No, you don't. I'm sure you can live quite well without me."_

_"But I wouldn't be happy, John."_

_"Yeah, you would. I've yet to meet someone who needs me."_

_"I need you, and I'm right here. Right here in front of you. Don't let me go."_

_"I have to. I can't let myself break your heart."_

He felt a tear slide down his cheek, but he didn't wipe it away. Just kept staring at her, willing her to wake up. Willing her to come back to him. He needed her, and he wanted her to feel it if she couldn't see it. Hear it if she couldn't feel it. Taste it if she couldn't hear it. He wanted to talk to her. Just say words, but they wouldn't come. They were stuck, deep in his throat, no matter how hard he tried to get them out. All he could do was move his lips to invisible words. To mute sounds.

_"Is this what it feels like?"_

_"Give me your hand."_

_"Why?"_

_"Just...give it to me...This is what it feels like, John. This."_

_"It's just your hand and mine."_

_"Exactly. Mine and yours. Together."_

He didn't want to look at her anymore. Didn't want to see her so helpless. Just yesterday he could've looked at her until he died. Whether she be sleeping, working, sitting with him. He was content just to be with her. It was something he'd never felt before, and now it was leaving. He couldn't bear seeing her like this. Against those plain sheets, unable to make them shine. Monitored by machines, unable to leave them and walk away. She was in her own prison and he wasn't sure if he held they key.

_"Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'."_

_"Where'd you hear that?"_

_"A song. Why?"_

_"Because it's right."_

_"I love you, John."_

_"Want to dance?"_

The tears were falling freely now. He never thought he'd have to sit here like this. Never thought he'd have to see her like this. And he always thought it would be her partner sitting here, not him. He felt as if he didn't deserve to be there. Like her partner had more right than he. Afterall, wasn't here partner supposed to know her better? Wasn't her partner supposed to be with her when she went down? Wasn't her partner supposed to be there to wrack his mind as to why it happened? How it happened? Why it was her instead of him? How he let her fall without him behind her?

_"He doesn't get it sometimes."_

_"I'm sure he tries."_

_"Still, he can't understand it. What it's like."_

_"And how can I know?"_

_"Because you know what to do. He trips over himself."_

_"So do I."_

_"Yeah, but you get back up, John."_

He wanted to talk so bad. Wanted her to hear what he had to say. What he needed to say. But his throat wouldn't work with him. Wouldn't allow him the strength to say the words. Makes the sounds. He wanted to curse it for it's trouble, but he knew it wouldn't help. Reaching out his hand, he took hers in his, feeling the smooth contours he knew so well. He tried to speak again, just one last time, he decided, before giving up.

"I need you, too," he whispered, surprised at the sound, but glad. "I know what it feels like. This," he held up her hand, "is what it feels like. You and me. Together." He took a shuddering breath. "I want to tickle you again. I want to dance with you again." He looked at her face and brushed a strand of hair to the side. "I need you to help me get back up when I fall. And I'd never leave you alone. I'm right here for you. I kept that promise, despite not wanting to make it in the first place. I love you, Liv. I love you too much to let you lay here like this." He sniffed, his whisper hoarse from tears and emotion. "I love you. Come back."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for the reviews. They definitely helped when I thought about dropping this chapter. There might be another one or two to come, I haven't made up my mind yet, but if you review...Anyway, enjoy! And please, tell me what you think of it.

"_Olivia, wake up."_

_"What is it?"_

_"Just c'mon. I want to show you something."_

_"It's five in the morning. What is it?"_

_"Look."_

_"What...It's beautiful."_

_"I love you, Liv."_

She watched him sleep in the uncomfortable hospital chair in her room. She was surprised that he hadn't gotten the nurses to put a cot right next to her bed for him to sleep in. Then again, maybe he hadn't gotten the chance, seeing how his arms were draped on her bed and he was leaning against them. She knew he'd be complaining when he finally woke up to see the position he had slept in. He still had his coat on and something told her he'd just collapsed in the chair upon arriving and he hadn't moved. Damn, could he be stubborn.

_"C'mon. Open the door."_

_"What do you want?"_

_"I just wanted to make sure you're okay."_

_"I'm fine."_

_"No, you're not okay. Can I come in?"_

_"Why do want to know if I'm okay anyway?"_

_"Because I care about you, Olivia!"_

His hair was mussed and she felt a small smile creep it's way onto her face. She's always loved the way his hair looks after sleep. Something about it makes her love him all the more. And the way he does little things for her at the oddest times. Just little things, but never flowers. She remembers once in the office, him and Fin bickering over the importance of flowers. In the end he had won with the simple comment of, "Only 'cause you have to." It was one of those times that she had had to withhold a laugh as she wrote up a report.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"You'll see."_

_"Can I take off this stupid blindfold yet?"_

_"Nope. You gotta wait."_

_"I wish you wouldn't-"_

_"We're here. Let me."_

_"How'd you get reservations here?"_

_"Don't you know by now that I've got friends in the business, Liv?"_

Suddenly, it was as if everything came rushing back to her as she looked down on him. And she wasn't in the hospital anymore, she's running down the street, gun drawn. But the bastard shoots her before she can shoot him. As she falls, she hears a yell from behind and another gunshot. And he's leaning over her. Trying to stay the flow of blood. It hurts so much. Like there's this burning hole. He's muttering and she feels water drip onto her face before she blacks out.

_"I just heard Rogers was acquitted."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"You okay?"_

_"Not really, but I'm gonna have to be. We can't charge him again, so..."_

_"So you wait. The day will come when he does it again."_

_"Yeah, and then there'll by another woman who can't sleep at night."_

_"That doesn't mean you give up, Olivia. It means you keep trying."_

His breathing was steady in sleep and she thought about how peaceful he seemed without the pressures of work to cloud his demeanor. Of course, work always led to some morbid joke or another, and he was king. Sometimes she hated hearing them, but mostly, she was glad that he still had a sense of humor. Glad that he could still joke about it while caring enough to cry at times. While caring so much, it seemed he would explode with it, only to come back together again for the victim. Come back together again for her.

_"Is this how it was?"_

_"How what was?"_

_"How it was with your wives?"_

_"No."_

_"How was it?"_

_"Annoying. Eventually, it was unbearable."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be. I love you Liv."_

As she watched him sleeping, his face scrunched up and she immediately knew he was having a nightmare. Having woken to his sometimes frantic yells after waking from one, she knew that it was something from his past. A past case or his father or his neighbor or any number of horrors. She always hated seeing him like that, but at the same time always wondered if waking him up was the best solution. He had told her that a few times when he had been awoken by something in the middle of such dreams, he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. And in this city, there were many a night when he didn't sleep.

_"So, did I catch up?"_

_"Maybe. Depends."_

_"What on?"_

_"Whether or not you can hold your own."_

_"Against what?"_

_"Me, Olivia. Me."_

He was always so afraid of hurting her. As if all his failed marriages were his fault. As if he thought every woman he touched would break. She knew him better than that, but nonetheless, he didn't trust himself. She doubted even now, after all this time that he trusted himself. And there were days when she doubted herself. Days when she was so out of it, she thought he would give up on her, like anyone else would. But he didn't. He really loved her and it scared her. As much as she loved it, loved him, it still scared her.

_"Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars."_

_"Song?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"It's true, you know."_

_"I'm lookin' at you, so it must be, right Liv?"_

His face relaxed again and she debated seriously about whether or not to wake him up. Luckily, for her at least, he solved that problem by stretching his arms out. Capturing his hand with hers she watched his eyes shoot open as he looked at her. He squeezed her hand once, before looking deep into her eyes. She could've sworn he touched her soul.

"I thought I might lose you," he whispered hoarsely. All she could do was shake her head. "Oh Liv." He stood and leaned over her and she leaned forward as he wrapped his long arms around her. Returning the gesture with one arm, she let out a strangled sob as she buried her head in his crumpled coat, reveling in his warmth. After a moment she had to move, the position hurting her arm and shoulder. He slowly released her and stood over her still, holding her hand. There were tears in his eyes and she eased her hand out of his to wipe them away as they slid down. As she rested her hand for a moment on his face, he grasped it and held it there. "I love you."

She smiled and nodded. "I love you too, John."


	3. Chapter 3

"_Son of a bitch. C'mon John."_

_"Where are we goin'?"_

_"Thorton's apartment."_

_"He'll be gone by the time we get there."_

_"Not if we drive fast."_

He hadn't really believed her, but had gone anyway, knowing that she would go alone if he didn't get in that car with her. He couldn't help but remember the last time she had gone alone. The pain she had gone through over that case...he couldn't let her do that again. Not that he really thought she would, but he wanted to make sure. He wanted to be there for her.

_"Thorton! This is Detective Benson. Open up!"_

_"He's probably not even home."_

_"He better be, for his sake. Thorton!"_

_"Bust the door."_

_"Damn it! He's gone."_

They had run after him, or rather, she had run while he jogged. Later, he was reminded of the time they were chasing a guy named Krieger and the van he stepped into blew up, almost taking Jeffries with it. They both had their guns pulled, not wanting to take any chances. Thorton had run around a corner and when Olivia turned the corner, he shot her. He had resumed running then, after a short delay to look at his handiwork.

_"Olivia!"_

_"He's getting away...get him."_

_"It's okay, Liv. He's down."_

_"Is he alive?"_

_"I'm more worried about you than him."_

When he heard that gunshot, he started running. Running like he hadn't since...he couldn't remember when. Predictably, Thorton had forgotten about him and only started jogging away. He had shot Thorton in the back before he could go far. Then, he had knelt at her side, knelt there and held her, tried to stop the bleeding. The blood was all over his hands, staining her shirt. Her shirt was the least of his worries.

_"I need a bus!"_

_"John..."_

_"Officer down! I need a fricken bus!"_

_"John..."_

_"I need back-up."_

_"John..."_

_"I need a bus!"_

He wanted to listen to her, he really did, but she needed a bus. She needed a bus and he needed back-up. Simple as that. He left Thorton where he lay in the street. There was time for him later. After she was okay. After he was sure she was being taken care of. He knew Thorton was either dead or close to, having shot him in the back, near his heart. He was glad for it too. Damn glad.

_"The bus is coming, Liv. Hear the sirens? And here comes Elliot and Fin, too."_

_"What happened?"_

_"He shot her, Elliot. What does it look like?"_

_"He's dead."_

_"Good."_

_"IAB's coming."_

_"Let them."_

He hadn't cared about IAB. Hadn't cared except for that they had to take his statement and kept him from her. He wanted to be at the hospital, but they kept him in some small room, asking him questions like he was the suspect. He had almost yelled at them. Another question, another dumb ass question and he would have yelled. Why were they asking him these questions when he had done it because Thorton had shot her? That was enough reason to, wasn't it?

_"How is she?"_

_"She's going to be okay, the doctors said."_

_"Good."_

_"How about you?"_

_"I'll be fine, Fin."_

Fin had kept his comments to himself, as had Elliot and the Captain. It wasn't a time to argue why he was more upset about it than Elliot. More upset than Cragen or Fin. They knew, though they left him to himself. They let him go sit with her alone. If it had been Elliot, they all would have done the same, he knew. The fact was unspoken between the men, but they understood. They understood and that was all that really mattered.

_"I want to dance, Liv. Please...come back...I love you."_

That and the fact she was going to be okay. She was going to be okay.


End file.
